A Little Fun

 “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” With that in mind here are some fun life and business quotes to lighten up your day and maybe even provide a new perspective (plus 2 short stories):

Says a local cynic:”The only reason a great many families don’t own an elephant is that they never have been offered an elephant for $1 down and $1 a week.”

Overheard on the cocktail circuit: “one thing about the speed of light – it gets here too early in the morning.” 

“What this country needs is a good five-cent dime.”

“Psychiatry is the only business where the customer is always wrong.”

“The best way to a man’s wallet is to build a better gadget for his wife.”

“Women’s intuition is nothing more than man’s transparency.”

“A bachelor girl is one who is still looking for a bachelor.”

“The world needs more leaders with stars in their eyes instead of their helmets.”

“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”

“Your calendar shows the passing of time. Your face shows what you’re doing with it.”

“Some families can trace their ancestry back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children were last night.”

“The nice thing about old age is that you can whistle while you brush your teeth.”

“When your Outgo exceeds your Income, your Upkeep is your Downfall.”

“There is no better exercise for the heart than reaching down and lifting somebody up.”

“Destiny may shape your end but your middle is of your own chewsing.”

“Heaven may forgive your sins but your nervous system won’t.”

“Many things which seem simple at twenty are impossible at sixty, and vice versa.”

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’ until you find a rock.”

“Today it costs more to amuse a child than it did to educate the parent.”

“Since the discovery of elastic, women take up one-third less space.”

“Husband-hunting is probably the only sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy a license.”

 “Don’t put it off until tomorrow. Tomorrow there may be a law against it.”

“Boredom is an emptiness filled with insistence.”

“Never hit a man when he’s down. He may get up!”

“The difficulty in life is choice.”

“The trouble with election jokes is that sometimes one gets elected.”

“Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.”

“Don’t grumble because roses have thorns. Just be thankful thorns have roses.”

“What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.”

“Suspicion is a mental picture seen through an imaginary keyhole.”

“Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.”

“The most flammable kind of wood is the chip on the shoulder.”

 “Try to keep an open hand. If you go through life with a clenched fist, nobody can put anything into it.”

“Middle age is when you feel on Saturday night the way you used to feel on Monday morning.”

“Never raise a finger to a cranky child – particularly if he has teeth.”

“Everybody is intelligent only on different subjects.”

“No man is a failure who is enjoying life.”

“If you must cry over spilled milk, condense it.”

“The way to love anything is to realize it might be lost.”

“To stay youthful, stay useful.”

“It is better to tighten your belt than to lose your pants.”

“Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.”

“These days, when Grandma sits at the spinning wheel, chances are she’s in Las Vegas.”

“The greatest power is often simple patience.”

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.”

“The time to relax is when you don’t have the time for it.”

“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.”

“Effort means nothing without results.”

“Whether something is cheap or expensive depends on if you’re buying or selling.”

“Most of the money a businessman calls profit is merely money that has not been wasted.”

“An advanced diagnosis is worth a lot of post-mortems.”

“Love may be blind but marriage is an optometrist.”

“Some men make difficulties, difficulties make some men.”

“It’s only eighteen inches between a pat on the back and a kick in the pants.”

“You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.”

“Square meals often make round people.”

“A good way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.”